Where to go?

I started from where..?
Ah, somewhere there..
No, even earlier ..
Or earlier than I can remind myself,
As I feel some deeper..
When I stood alone looking
at the waving woods,
the lush green grass and the air, 
all together brought
something to me,
Yeah, very fair..!
And I started talking to myself..
Finding myself..
So different from others.
or everyone is just the same, 
when no one present inside
to bother..
The God moment,
I've seen and met.
The naked eyes,
surprised to get.
The reflection in the mirror,
shown to myself.
The Universe shining,
The only One,
A belief bringing to destiny,
I am whole.
Unsure and astonished,
I leave that path.
Should I regret the quit,
before the start?
I went to the World. 
I saw that as real.
I realize, caught in surreal.
And I pray,
Where to go?

Progressing..

Progressing..
I think about it, as few lines catch hold
I go back to them, to listen again
This time an intent enters, clear and bold
Ah, this I can relate to.
Though these lines I knew long before,
are not new but very old.
Now for me, have a meaning minted in gold.
Addressed to the One, 
whom every body knows.
The Carer of All. 
In Hearts of All, forever behold.
And I knew not,
Till now..
You were always with me!
In every moment..
And my mortal eyes unable to see?
Wrapped in ever changing worldly thoughts,
I ever astrayed away from my way.
No matter how many times I've failed,
You came forward, 
I found myself standing tall 
in my every walk despite 
how great a fall..
I've been bestowed upon, 
Your endless care,
Your endless forgiveness, 
Your endless compassion..

When was no one near to help,
Left alone to suffer on my own,
I called Your Name.
Lord, Your blessings showered in no time.

In the vast sea of life,
I lost my boat.
Impossible to reach at bay,
No boatman visible to save.
The Almighty, in the form of wave,
brought me ashore safe.

Now, I know well..
You're every where around me.
Every where You shine.
Formless Lord of mine,
Every form You take.
In lotus feet of Yours,
I have only to offer that 
has been offered to me by You.
The rememberance of Your Name
brings peace and joy to my humbled heart..

Peace, here.

Today, 
I went to find some peace.
Alas! a place, 
wrong and without an ease.
Where is God?
Is He so displeased?
Needs efforts too much,
never to cease..?
After all the well known readings,
why the heart seems freezed..?
So much of talk,
what actually it gives?
An ache of heart and mind,
leaving soul diseased.
Rules regulations made by man,
who cares when broken like a breeze?
No one understands, I'm sure.
Preachings do nothing but lure.
Money avoided, just to find,
Ah! it is the last cure.
Don't push.
Don't preach.
Don't regulate.
Don't judge.
Just because, I'm all worries
or unsure, so without words.
Oh! I don't think I need 
a guru for assistance.
You say, I'll find a way
then why resistance?
I cannot follow blindly.
I see no perfection,
when you cannot face an argument,
despite so much meditation.
Where's calmness?
Where to surrender?
My laughter flows,
at your helplessness grows.
Guilty, make me not.
I'm not a perfect.
I agree, I do rot.
Sorry, I leave your place.
I see, as you say, 
"What a disgrace!"
Now being alone,
can talk to God , 
on my own.
"Oh my God,
I'm alone, I hope, 
you know.
As a God, 
You should but know.
If You're there, 
You must care.
If something goes unfair, 
You too have to share.
Are You above those mountains high,
where I've to reach to say You just, 'Hi!'?
Or are You smiling up above the sky?
Oh God, I don't have knowledge,
so Your ways I cannot pry?
E'en then, 
just let me try."
Thinking none, 
and close my eyes.
Taking deep breaths, 
forget the sighs.
Thanking the Unknown Power, 
for I'm still alive.
Slowly I lose outside, 
taking a deeper dive.
What I am or what I want, 
keeping everything aside.
Yeah now,
I feel peace inside!
...
There is peace inside.
...
Go within. 
Feel. 
Let it no more hide.
There is the Lord, whom I search,
forever to abide.
Rest,
I should keep aside.

Mothers, loving creatures.

You say, you have a loving mother.
I see, you have an undoubtedly loving mother.
I envy how she clears all your stuff,
the cupboard, your hub,
saving you from silly bothers.
Ah the result, an uninterrupted study.
You wonder, what's new in that?
Mothers are like that.
Sorry, I didn't mean that.
Should I share or not?
Oh, it has happened many times,
Now, I hide not.
When I'm with a book, my mother cribs.
She doesn't know how much 
this attitute in me high dose toxin instils.
I feel like crying, but I do not.
What the last line I was reading, I forgot.
I've stopped sending laundry home instead.
To save money I do my bit.
What she expects from me, 
Should I become maid or what?
She doesn't like any of my friends.
Please avoid coming my home,
she'll make me feel ashamed!
She may scold me badly infront you.
You may think to say me forever adieu.
Never mind, I'll save our friendship.
I'll do for you an extra bit.
But, don't unfriend me, please..
She's like that. I always hide it.
She screams, abuses, hates me like sin.
I feel like an abandoned, without kith or kin.
Sometimes I make her proud, as she claims.
She has her problems then she blames.
She's fine but for only a short while.
She finds no fun amongst the work that piles.
She has no help, so she yells.
She then makes for me, a real hell.
To put aside books, is impossible for me.
To be selected in a professional course,
has become a curse for me.
Your father arranged for you tuitions,
and mine, he denied.
The reason I had to burn more midnight oil.
It took more time to achieve what I wanted to be.
And there went the credit to parents who never
bothered what I would be.
They could have been more considerate, I know.
Education I think helps to think so.
Oh! They both were well educated, to my dismay.
Today, I'm striving to be a mother whose love
is sought.
Who shouts with displeaure when feels unproud.
Luckily, my husband understands what I went through.
He provides cushion in times of such blues.
A sixth sense I wish, all mothers had.
What their child needs long before their tears are shed.
What if mother becomes the cause of tears?
Refuses love and support, leaves child alone to bear?
Speaks harsh words imprinting everlasting bruise.
Still, she's mother because she brought in such world,
where all's not true, like,
Mothers are loving creatures.

Let be.

I'm standing in the centre.
All shouting at me.
All have different reasons.
I wonder, 
All against, 
Oh! e'en God?
Then, who's with me?
I see, 
God's on this side too;
Just testing me.
My sons and their father,
the precious gifts.
What else than the strength 
to expect from life?
Let what be, be.
Have you gone through certain tasks?
Gone through dark shades no sun to bask.
Is there a mother who curses her newborn?
Who knows not why she's born.
Is there a father who leaves forlorn,
never bothers to see for years and come?
Time heals, though leaves ugly scars.
Was there no option for them to scare 
and fight not?
Was not enough love left for them to share 
or they forgot?
What price was paid?
A rebellion was born or made?
Frightful childhood, is it worthy of praise?
God came for help as paved some way;
was followed by brothers only.
Blessed with education, to know and to pray.
Life is beautiful despite glooms,
Now and then, to be amazed.
Nature comes forward.
Affection flows from an unknown source, 
whatever the case. 
Teachers become the guiding source.
Ups and downs put more,
keeping inspiration ablaze.
My path is a bit different.
I asked for help.
Help from those,
whom the world calls, our own.
I saw people being helped from own.
Was denied time and again.
Tried hard, only led to blame.
Then, gave up.
Fought alone and felt grown up.
Surprisingly, small victories added.
Peace of mind, slowly met it.
Confirming, what I did, was right
and long deserved it.
Now, no need to please everyone.
What pleaseth heart has to be done.
Norms when followed impressed none.
Suddenly I felt, I've won.
Their sons behave as what in their minds,
they've fed it.
Though I'm alone, still with better company.
Where no one to put down, or deal with treachery.
No burdens along except truth and strong will.
Hard work confirms I'll get what I till,
depending on the amount of drill.
I don't need to ask, if I'm wrong?
Love in the heart, when not dealt tenderly, sours it.

Life is beautiful

Death is scary,
When life is beautiful.

I died yesterday.

It was a dream.

I was left behind
to be burnt
in the funeral pyre.

My son said,
Our life was not the same.

I can well imagine.
After all,
It was his very own dream.

He was angry with me.
Why you painted that God?

And a dreadful red scene.
It all led to my sorrowful dream.

I consoled him,
Such dreams hold opposite meanings.

It provides longevity instead.

Though within,
I was correlating..

Am I wandering?
Pushing myself to extremes.
When I need to just relax and 
feel the beam..

One thought leading to another.
Day dream,
It's enough now..

I must come back to life
No matter what it brings.
I will write and draw better scenes.

Not dreamy, but a fact..

Shiva, the Lord.
Thy Name was chanted.
Innumerable moments witnessed.
Someone's agony echoed.
Darkness to prove.
Light was distant, dreamy.
Shortcomings in a prayer,
The reason, not cured?
Asked when at halt,
'Why Thy've come,
when Thine Name not chanted,
nor anything asked?'
In turn, was asked 
the world, and answers 
understood not then,
with time discovered..
Sati was not the destiny
that waited in years..
Thy will was to see
Meera instead..
And went away again to 
Let it be suffered..?
Is it not true that,
A prayer or whatever be
an offering,
reaches the Supreme:
Thy name, Krishna.
The destiny, toughest?
Punishements instead?
Fears wait ahead?
It may be late,
Still guide
to the Light,
that is not dreamy,
but a fact..

Prayer is the answer..

Someone is no where..

I see around,

and find no where..

Still believe, is there..

In mind?

In thoughts?

Where?

Soul agrees..

So, I have to..

Dvinity appears to affirm.

I see,

Past is not gone any where..

It remains.

In the roots.

Is never gone.

Sheds leaves and regrows, more and more..

Changing forms and shapes.

Is seen every where!

Someone asks me,

How can I be so sure?

No proofs yet.

I have no answer.

I cannot answer.

Made to feel small?

No issues, I am small.

Quit, is the word..

Asks me to let go the one,

who has no role in the present.

Is it so?, 

I ask myself..

And again,

I have no answer.

Beyond my capacity.

I cannot handle.

Shall I....?

I remember,

Prayer is the answer..

Created by Thee..

"Who are You?"
This is an old one..,
Ask something new..
Yes it's both old as well new,
for each day brings the same new..
Every moment I'm with You,
and it's very true..
No one is alarmed and so am I,
as no one is harmed and so say I..;
Perfect timing for all, 
and I say, "..but why?"
I see responses in everything,
seek answers in the sky even when dim;
And they are written as if 
already knowing, 
what and how I felt within..
Supernatural or more, it is divine.
I cannot express all as am afraid myself,
"Am I lying?"
No, not delusions this time,
as definitely God Himself playing a dime..
I'm not a winner in any sense,
losses incurred cannot be regained.
What's gone is gone, is a lesson
repeated in mind to erase a trace..
Still something is there present,
though my eyes refuse to gaze,
my heart knows well and leaves unwell..
How can God be crazy and chaotic?
Is it some magic?
I seek and get answers..
As if my mind already read by Someone..
As if He knows what I think or act next..,
and answers lie ahead..
Am I crazy?
May be..
And there's no help from humans..,
for they cannot understand my plea.
Even You cannot,
for this chaos is created by Thee..

No choice..

Silence, 
I wish was there..
Unknowingly, 
it's about the noise I care..
One after another, 
plays the same song..
Deliberate or by mistake, 
it's unclear..
'Alas, I don't let any change come along.'
Lately, 
realized in a prayer..
I hear the whirring wings of bees at night,
fancying heather being visited to gather pollen..,
and soft giggles avoiding goose bumps while  
startling elves appear upon their brown backs..
Flashes and lights, too much to bear and
aimless wandering in distant places I never hear..
Screams of disgust being throttled then and there,
understood thoughts pop up suddenly to handle,
'Where's time.., what a wastage sheer?'
Eyes wide awake fumble for lights..
pending tasks creating chaos in slumber, 
hard to steer..
I've no choice, 
but to work late at nights..

What knocks..?

Knock..knock..,
a tap at the heart door,
that only I can hear..

'Is it some ghost story..?',
I know certainly, you fear..

A dual reality holds me,
or may I hold it dear..

Sometimes found hazy, 
at times felt so crystal clear..

Tales colorful or 
wrapped in dull shades,
sharing laughter or tear..

Lessons to live lively or bravely bear..

Brought forth from far away or
happening near..

Leaving imprints forever,
year after year...,
    year after year...,
        year after year...

The God

Are you the God?
The God..who's not so far
Who remains within,
knows all before we ask?
You, the God, listens..
Listens, to what I talk..
Talk, that happens with myself?
If I were a child..
A child, that in Your eyes..
In the eyes of God that I am..
Yes, if I were a child in years too,
and then would have cried to the loudest..
To the sky to hear what I go through each day..
Played with You day and night,
without anyone ever knowing..
And then over joyously, to rejoice in Your name
wanted to share everything..
Every minutest detail, I find hard to explain..
Ashamed and unashamed of my thoughts and deeds,
it's the guilty conscience that slowly seeps..
I cannot think much, beyond an explanation my mind can ever think..
Just feel, a feeling something going on..
A happening every second in my life..
In every one's life, which I cannot feel, or may be can try a bit..
I know I'm going no where..
No where, because it's not a mere imagination,
happens every day in subtle thoughts and actions..
It happens once in a while, and sometimes seems occurring in series..
Understandable or not, matters not.., and I let things be..
Let them be as they ought to be, on there own, no interference from my own.
Spiritual? or some more deep? May be, but the way is too steep..
And I think I'm giving up, because I'm nothing, I realize..
Just playing with words or are they hidden meanings, deep..?
My eyes not cooperating nor my fingers..
While my mind awake..,trying to remember a few incidents out of many..
Again becoming a child, rather meeting a child who seems awaken
after sleep, still knowing sharing is no use, because..
No one listens or believes..
Now, may I ask you,
"Are You the God, I every day somewhere, in someone,
Meet?
or
A perfect human, who knows how to act like,
the God?"

Giving..

Giving away something to someone
How does it feel?
Expectations in return..
A natural thing!
How many give without expectations?
Who does?
Parents perhaps..
Some will pop up answers like family etc.
The reality is, None.
All humans, just the same..
So while giving, know that you do know,
you're giving..and you remember..
and calculate..and save in memory store..
Forever..?
Even when not expect, you try to save
yourself from certain harms; cleansing
conscience, and things like that, to bring
solace to your self..?
Suppose you're betrayed, or hurt by them
or felt helpless?
Don't you repent?
Don't you then remember you gave them
something?
Everyone does, so do you..
Then, how to handle, b'cause the other
finds it nothing?
Anger or resentment, evident or hidden
find their place..
If you remember and make the other realize,
will it hardly make a difference?
You find ways to again calm yourself..
Work out?
Meditate?
Just to prove you were wrong through out..
Lesson: Think before giving, why/whom?

God's plan

Throttled..
Stopped to say anything.
Annoying..
Just because,
had been hearing..
Hearing and obeying (for too long?).
Taught long before
to do so..
Something was wrong..
Maybe in teaching..
Threw away the old,
as felt some bold..
And now made them listen.
Will they realize (doubt)?
Humbleness is gone.
Provocation has done.
A person stands
with rights and strengths..
Wondering,
Why again such fight?
Knows,
It's not the last.
It's God's plan.

Hope waits afar..

They talk about a lot of things..
Things or words to impress,
as it seems..
Forgiveness, compassion are like stones
thrown at,
when spoken by those who hardly know
what it really means..
Pain within grows too much to bear but
one not allowed to scream,
as none feels the thunder and storm or
an ever flowing unseen stream..
Who can forgive or love other than
the Supreme Power?
This knowledge bestows a meaningful
life lest upon someone you lean;
Leaving false hopes the world presents
before to shower,
I can already see dull faces turning to gleam..
Unanswered journey asks to walk more,
some more.., till you meet your dreams..
Beyond certain clouds is the ray of hope,
waiting for sure..,
Now, you've to decide your extremes!

Everything is perfectly rubbish, and its true!

Mixed emotions aroused..
They know the reality.
Affirm,
A complete reality brought forth..
Where though all illusory it seems,
is but a reality, mindful of folks!
Where doubts persist, unceasingly,
And people mislead in daily chores;
When you've to re-review intentions,
Check the deeds are free, not forced..
Now has arrived the perfect time,
find a perfect place, lest everything before you blows..
A place to sit and watch, what disturbs the grace?
Face the Light and ask the blessed rays..
For, smiles though speak a lot still much they hide..
The clear sky of inside says at last,
What stops you, is it your very own pride?

All are Mine..

So this canvas before is to disappear,
sans much worry or fear..
Wait..as the skies melt into hanging heavens
and fingers move to swipe some tears..
Not knowing reasons what brought here,
as heights show places left behind so clear..
Return of steps bound to happen on a day
when many friends wait at the golden gates;
Flashes a reminder,
Were they not once strangers to appear?
Running thoughts bring back
to the lazy track that allows a tiny train,

with smiles and hands waving at pines..
Their fallen cones, few with their trunks,
in little palms, a gift of divine..
Although fades in watchful eyes,
imprints everlasting memories in minds..
Singing subtle hymns,
"All are mine..all are mine..all are mine...."

Very Clear!

 A long journey
Is it to unfold?
Denying it goes
Flows and shows
Breaks, mends, bends
Never to stop
I ask and ask
And see,
It has no intention
To answer
For it has remaining
Many tasks..
What will happen?
Wait for my answers
Or
Its flow..,
Will ever stop?
Elusive images float
That were once clear
Fear prevails
Unable to steer
Dare is unfair
For its futile
When you know
The loss will be,
Unable to bear..
At a distance
Though I cannot
See or feel
Just a remembrance
On clouds formed
As memories storm
My heart hears
The flow,
That goes and goes, but
Never shows..,
For I know,
I fear to know
There's no one near..
It's very clear!

Your life's not at stake..

Those who watch
Are they mine?
Is all fine?
Apparently, all's well..
So, one can safely say
Far from hell..
To please or displease
To simply let away
As it's too clogged up
in fine nerves
And causing troubles uncease..
Needing a corner to say
Where none to hear or pray
Strangers few visiting
Bothering not much
As the world is full of others who
too have something or the other
to say..
Where face is as it is
With no mask to make it fake
How long will one tolerate n bake
when you're all aware
you've no share of a cake?
During such times
writing without a care
definitely erases unseen
sorrows peeping at
the doors of next day..
Ah! the realization;
After all,
Your life's not at stake..

Many-many..

Don't worry,
I'm all alert
More attentive than
most of my known
attentions..
Well, you seem to
be interesting..
Yes, I'm listening..
Lending you more
than I usually can..
Your braggings..
Possessions..
Huge mansions..
I'm all ears..
Your golden past..
Your royal cast..
The blue blood..
I stand steadfast..
Because you're my boss!
But then, now it's enough!
Though I'm not known
Yet it's an old stuff
Repetitions, don't you see?
Bring some more stories
I'm tired with each huff
As I climb these cliffs
with you, in every cough..
These provide me imaginations
Some solid suggestions
But then, you're fortunate
As were born with
Golden spoon, full of honey..
Well, dark paths I have avoided
Though I wanted to walk
Chances I deprived
Regrets or not
I forgot
At the moment,
I feel mesmerized
Transient only
Because betrayals I've seen many
Despite I hope and pray,
I know,
It's not the last agony..
There are waiting on the way still many..
Many-many..